Justin Bieber Marriage Lessons - What do you mean?

Communication. It's hard sometimes. I mean, really hard...  even when you've decided to have a love-based marriage.

I've noticed, that sometimes for some reason, I don't seem to be able to tell my husband what's really going on in my head or what I'm really feeling. 

It's not his fault, because it has nothing to do with him not understanding what I'm saying. What I'm saying is not what I really want and need to say.

What do you mean?

Since I got married, I've noticed how confusing marriage can be. And when I haven't defined a feeling, hidden very deep inside my heart, I become very confusing. 

I say things I don't mean. I act the way I don't mean to act. But because I don't know what I'm feeling, my behaviour turns into a crazy emotional mess. When my husband answers rationally, it leaves me unsatisfied. Why? Because the real reason is still hidden. 

I've noticed that couples need to work hard to communicate better. I've also noticed, that before I can communicate better with my husband, I need to be able to understand myself better - to communicate better with myself. 

First you wanna go to the left, then you wanna turn right.

Wanna argue all day, making love all night. 

I've talked with many married ladies, and one thing that seems to be an issue for many of us, is the weird jealousy. I'm not talking about being jealous about other women. I mean, that we (I generalise) are jealous when the husband spends time with his (guy) friends. 

But do we really want our hubby dearest to stop spending time with his friends? No! 

Do we really want him to forget his hobbies? No! 

Do we really want him to stop doing the things that inspire him? No! 

But still we're upset when he has a guys' night and is excited about it. This is just one example of confusing feelings and how we react to them. 

What do you really mean, my silly little head?

As I said, the jealousy thing was just one example. If that's not your thing, lucky you, but you might have something else that's turning you into a weirdo. Before you can communicate well, you have to know what you are feeling and thinking. 

What's behind this jealousy? Why am I so insecure about this? Why? When? Where? Questions and more questions!

Try to get inside your own silly little head, so what your communicating to your husband is really what you mean. 

I've noticed, that we are often jealous of his friends, because we feel he is not excited to spend time with us. When we're together, it's not "cool" or something he is dying to too. Maybe we're just... ordinary. 

And if we are ordinary, something to not get really excited about, does they love us anymore? Are we not attractive anymore? Are they bored with us?

Am I a disappointment?

Justin Bieber Marriage Lessons - The Feeling

You might be feeling a bit confused now. Why on earth would I be writing about Justin Bieber? Well, let me tell yah!

Justin Bieber can actually make your marriage better!

The Feeling

I'm just going to come clean and say I've been listening to Justin Bieber's new album. There are couple songs, that have actually spoken to me. So much, in fact, that I knew  right away I had to write about them on my blog. 

In this post I'm going to talk about The Feeling. 

I believe that one of the biggest things, that leads to unhappy marriages and divorces, is that we are so fixated on the feeling. Love should feel good. And when it doesn't, we think it's not love. And if it's not love, what's the point staying together?

When a marriage is based on the feeling marriage is suppose to feel good and be easy. Your spouse is the one! The one who makes you feel good, who makes you happy. Loving him/her is not a chore and it comes easy. Feeling-based marriages don't require work, because love comes naturally. 

But the truth is, love is not easy - it doesn't come naturally. Love is not a feeling, love is a verb. Infatuation is a feeling.

Grass is not greener on the other side. It's green where you water it

I just love that! It illustrates love and relationships perfectly. Love means you water the grass under your feet. And what could that mean in real life, in your relationship? 

1. Make a decision to change your feeling-based marriage into a love-based marriage.

"I am in love with YOU. I am not in love with the FEELING"

2. Start to love. Practise how. Try to do it better everyday.

Be prepared to fail and love your spouse when he/she fails. You're only a human being. But consistently love him/her. Remember, love is a verb! Love your spouse even when you don't like him/her.

3. Remember, other people (read: your spouse) can't make you happy. They can love you.

It's pure stupidity to give up on love, when your spouse doesn't make you happy anymore. Did you say I do to "Do you promise to "love" him till the feeling fades away and he stops making you forget that you're not happy?" or "Do you promise to love him in sickness and in health?" 

What I love about love-based marriages is something my mom and dad have showed me. They've been married over 40 years! When you have a love-based marriage you might go through times when it's not fun and lovely to be with the other person. But when you love someone (VERB) feelings often come back too.

5 Ways to be a better listener

One of the most important skills, that I have to have in my job (guidance counselor), is the ability to listen. We paid a lot attention to it during our BA and MA studies. A good counsellor should be an active listener.

I've noticed, that being an active listener is not just for the counselors. It makes communication between people better. Well... it turns conversations into real communication. 

I believe active listening could save marriages and friendships.

  

1. The right mindset 

I read a really great quote on Pinterest (unfortunately I don't know whose it is):

"The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply."

I think this quote puts it perfectly; the goal of listening should ALWAYS be understanding. So when you're having a conversation do everything you can to understand not only what the other person is saying but what she/he is feeling and where she/he stands. 

If you want to be an active listener, remind yourself, that everything doesn't have to (and should not) be about you. You don't need to bring up your own thoughts, experiences and opinions. Try to understand first!

Try to make the other people realise that you:

-want to hear her/him

-want to see her/him

-want to understand her/him

2. Ask. Don't assume

When we're having conversations, we often make conclusions and assumptions. If you want to be an active listener, you shouldn't do that, because that's not listening. That's you processing the information from your point of view. To avoid conclusions and assumptions, ask questions. 

Try to ask questions, that encourage the other person to describe, analyse and reflect. Also try to avoid questions that have simple yes/no answers. This will help you to understand. Before making and assumptions, ASK.

Great questions:

Can you tell me more about that? How does that make you feel? 

3. Show him/her you're listening

An active listener shows the other person, that she/he is listening AND hearing. There are many ways you can do that. We already talked about asking questions. Questions not only help you to understand and not to make assumptions but they also help you to show the other person that you are listening.  Another great way is to repeat what you've heard in your own words.

An example:

Your friend: I don't know what I should do. I feel like... I'm so sick and tired of this whole thing. He refuses to come. And I need him to come. Don't you think he should come? I mean come on! It's my boss's birthday dinner and it would look so bad if I went there alone when everyone else brings their spouses. It's like he doesn't care.

You: So he's not coming to this thing, though you want him to. And it's making you frustrated, right?

Your friend: Yeah!

You can also show the other person you're listening non-verbally. Don't look distracted or absent. DON'T do anything with your phone. Nod, make appropriate facial expressions  and "Mmm". 

4. Listening is not judging

An active listener doesn't judge. We all have our own ideals, principals, believes and personal histories. If you want to be an active listener, you have to learn to identify them. Because if you can identify them, you can learn to prevent them from stop making you understand. Remember, you want to hear, see and understand. You want to see the issue through the other person's point of view. 

Active listening doesn't mean that you have to give up your own ideals and believes. They are an important part of you. But when you want to listen, you're not the one you want to listen to. 

5. Practice

It's important to remember, that it takes practice to become an active listener. It's a process and during that process you'll learn a lot about yourself. Though I'm a so-called professional listener, it's not easy for me. I'm still not perfect and I still have to practice it. I'm constantly training my mind to be an active listener. Number 4 is really hard for me. I have strong ideals and believes. They define me and my world. I need to work really hard not to let them interfere.

Learn more:

My favourite "listening guru" is Soren Kierkegaard. You should definitely read his thoughts and ideas. 

These articles are great too:

10 Steps to effective listening

11 Ways that active listening can help your relationships

Are you sabotaging your marriage?

My husband and I have great conversations and we like to dig deep when it comes to issues like our relationship, personalities, habits etc. I'm a lucky girl, because my husband likes to talk to me and with me. He challenges me intellectually, and I love it.

We started to think how couples can sabotage their marriages. I've been thinking about this topic for couple months now. I've been reflecting my own habits and actions. I've also thought about the people around me. Now finally I decided to write this post. I'd love to hear your thoughts! 

1. We expect our husband to feel and think the same way as we do

2. We feel bitter when the hubby wants to spent time with his friends or has a hobby or a passion that does not include us

3. When he does something sweet, we remind him of the times he was an a-hole

4. We pressure him to speak 

5. We act like martyrs

6. We forget that we have different personality types

7. We forget that we have a different family background

8. We are disappointed when he doesn't act like you think a good husband does

9. We criticise him in front of your friends and family

10. We respect our parents' opinions more than his

11. We don't give him space

12. We want special date-nights and "do stuff together" when he just wants to take it easy and keep it simple

13. We rarely show contentment

14. We forget that we might not have a same love language

15. We act like we are his mom

16. We compare him to our friend's spouse, or to our dad, brothers, cousins...

17. We blame him for not making us happy

18. We expect him to read our minds

19. We think we have a same sex drive

20. We don't make an effort to get to know him deeply

I've been married for almost 4 years. Here are couple things I'v learned about Christian marriage.

You don't get married because you love someone

Before you say 'What!?', read what I mean. In a "worldly" view of marriage love, being in love and loving someone are the reasons to get married.  Marriage and weddings, per se, are a manifestation of 'I love you'.

But from a Christian point of view, you get married so you can START loving. Loving, love and 'I love yous' are not something you feel - love is a decision - love is action. As 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 tells us:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

You can't love without God's help

Love is not a feeling of happiness or bliss. It can sometimes even feel awful or annoying. Why? The Bible says that we have deceitful hearts and in our natural state we don't seek God, instead we do bad things. And though I have given my life to Jesus, I am still just a person - I do bad things. For example I put my own needs first.

I have learned that God gently and patiently reminds me to love my husband. Especially in situations when it is natural to feel hurt, angry, selfish... 

"God, help me to love my husband."

"I'm sorry" means more than "I love you"

Once again: "WHAT!?" Saying you're sorry can be hard. You have to swallow your pride. But when you say you love someone, it usually stems from a good feeling. And saying 'I love you' doesn't take anything from us. 'I'm sorry' on the other hand does. It proves that we have been wrong or done wrong. It humbles us - we have to admit that we weren't perfect. 

This has been the hardest thing to me. Admitting and humbling myself before my husband, before my God - before myself.

My lovely sponsor, Robyn, has written several amazing posts about Christian marriage. I warmly recommend! You can find them HERE.

The art of positive thinking

Not much has happened on my blog this week. I've had a Norovirus. I'm better now, though Canada just won Finland in hockey. 

Another thing that happened this week: My old high school burned down. Pics HERE. 

I love this baby's attitude! His positivity inspired me.

Despite Noroviruses, stupid hockey losses, fires etc. I'm super happy and grateful. Here's why:

I've been privileged to call an awesome man my honey for 6 years.

6 years ago he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I said yes.

4 years ago he asked if I wanted to be the love of his life. I said yes.

I'm extremely grateful that I got my prince charming. But I'm even more grateful that our love is so much deeper than a Hollywood love. It's romantic but it's so much more than that. It's the kind of love that has nothing to do with feelings. It has everything to do with decision to love. What is love then? Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 to find out.

What is your love language?

This post is especially for you if you're married.

By Mats Lindh

You might have read Gary Chapman's book about love languages. I was reading one of my favorite Christian blog, The Word Of a Nerd, and I found out that you can actually test your and your spouse's love language(s) on THIS webpage. It's such a fun test and very useful!